Dating Barracuda - Dating in the Real World

Ah, the tired, old question. Can we be friends?

The Dating Barracuda says absolutely, positively, Yes!

Women and men can be friends. Good friends. Just like women have female friends and men have male friends.

That said, the answer would be a resounding No! if you were to tell me that one party had feelings for, or designs on the other.

But that is not what friendship is about, right? Friendship is about hanging out with that person, spending time, supporting their dreams and goals in a non-sexual way.


Friendship, not sexualship.

If you really like John and secretly desire that he will someday love you, it is better not to approach him from a friendly standpoint. Sure, you can be his friend, because the best relationships start that way. But never approach someone you are attracted to with the guise that you are there to be platonic when all you really want to do is rip his clothes off.

That would not be nice, would it?

The Dating Barracuda finds it most unattractive when men approach her with the sneaky mask of friendship, only to paw her to bits at the first opportunity.

"I'm sorry, that just happened!"

"Oh, bullshit, take your hands off my ass!"

Nothing is more rude, crude or nasty. Contrary to his belief, the apology was worthless.

Friendship between a man and a woman is delightful. The Dating Barracuda has several male friends who are simply divine. They are wonderful to have around because they offer a male perspective, and sometimes that is exactly what she needs to hear. Women would only pick nits whereas a man will tell you the truth about another man.

So, if you have a friend who is of the opposite sex, keep him or her around at all costs. They are a true treasure in this life.


And if you really like someone, just be honest and let him know. Don't hedge your bet and be silly. We're all adults here, and you're doing nothing but wasting your own time.

I have an acquaintance who is going through a typical divorce. I say typical because she and her soon to be ex-husband are fighting about everything. They are so deeply entrenched in who is right and keeping the upper hand that they have lost sight of the fact that there are three young children involved who are drowning in mom and dad's crap.

This is a dating blog, but the topic of letting go reaches beyond the married people out there. We all can take note of this drama and learn from it.

The demise of a relationship is never easy, even when both parties agree to leave. In most cases, there is not a mutual, mature agreement. One person is ready to hit the road and move on and the other person feels totally abandoned and freaks out. I am not positive, but I think that she was the one who chose to leave.

She chose to leave. She has the children with her. In fact, he lives in another state. But she continues to take his phone calls and then hashes over everything that he said with anyone who will listen. I told her that I was glad she had retained an attorney and filed divorce proceedings because now she could begin healing and move on with her life. Spend time with her children. Get over everything that her estranged spouse "did" to her and build the life of her dreams.

After all, she chose to leave, right?

It seems that even though she left and moved five states over, kids in tow, she is still embroiled in a relationship with her husband. Even though she's taking forward steps to legally unwind their relationship, she's completely emotionally attached to this man.

This woman has a decent job and is fully on her own and able to take care of herself and her children. Yet it sounds as though she is in daily disagreements and fights with her spouse about the children. Or money. Or something. More than anything, it is something, because from what she tells me, they bicker over insignificant things like him taking the kids on a cruise this summer and she doesn't want the children with him. Huh?? They are his children, and unless there are issues of abuse, I can't understand why she would argue about a vacation. After all, he is entitled to see his kids and they need their father.

On the topic of letting go, we all know that it's hard to do. It's far easier to remain in the thick of a bad relationship, fighting with your spouse about something that happened five years ago during Thanksgiving dinner. What's sad is when this ends up hurting your children because in an effort to hurt your spouse, you deal blows directly to the true victims - the children.

How does this apply to dating? Well, it is probably a lot simpler (at least I hope it is - it should be). Knowing when to call things off, and knowing how to walk away gracefully is vital. When we date and look for prospective mates, everyone has their standards wrapped up with desires and hidden needs. Sometimes you won't match up, sometimes you don't want who is in front of you. Either way, know when to call it (and do that in a nice way, please).

And when you are the one being called, take the goodbye as the best thing. Thank the person for the opportunity to know and relate to them, and thank them for their time. Have faith that it is the best thing and move on.

Do it!

It ended up that after three weeks of listening to her complain about what he was "doing" to her, I told my friend that she needed to let go. Move on. Stop. Take care of her children and go on with her life. She didn't like my answer. She stopped talking to me.

Sometimes what I have to say is not what you might want to hear.

As your dating expert, I deal with topics that are sensitive, timely and often, unpopular. No one wants to hear that they smell or perhaps their dating etiquette sucks, but these topics must be broached.

Tonight I shall sheath my claws and speak from a different perspective.

Love.

Yes, your Dating Barracuda has emotion and feeling. She has also been in love. There is nothing more wonderful than having a partner who's in your corner, and gets who you are. I've been there, done that, and it is the icing on the cake.

What brought on these feelings? Maybe it's the new moon or the solar eclipse or perhaps I'm just as human as you. What I know is that I was remembering some very nice things that happened in my life, today. No, I won't share that with you but...I hope that everyone who is looking finds that special person. I also hope that those of you in significant relationships are able to keep things stable and right.

I may seem harsh at times. My reasoning may seem unfair and might even be unpopular. That said, I've been where you are, and I know how hard it is to find a wonderful partner. Dating is a game of numbers, and the more you put yourself out there, the better your chances are. Going through the people is what is hard. When you find that special someone, it gets harder.

Being in a relationship and loving someone means showing up even when you don't feel like it. That is true love. That is commitment. Being honest, knowing what you want and what you expect along with nurturing your partner and allowing that person to have their dreams. You must support their welfare and as much as you do your own.

Love is worth the time it takes. The lack of selfishness and the ability to be strong and be there for someone else is a wonderful gift. Love the people in your life - I think that is what we are here for. We can learn and grow best through our relationships with others.

I hope this evening finds you well, happy and in love!

When the game is love, we've all had our moments of doubt, insecurity and jealousy. While doubt and insecurity are normal and not so bad, jealousy can drive us to madness. The trick is to have a handle on the green monster - before she rears her ugly head.

You've met a great guy and have been dating for several months. Things are going well. You're both grooving along and then you see him look at another girl on the street. Or maybe his ex calls. Or maybe it's that he spends a lot of time with his friends.

Either way, you're feeling left out and you turn green.

First of all, don't do it, ladies!!! Never succumb to this feeling of maddening rage where you think the world is coming to an end. Jealousy can be very overwhelming, and it can also ruin your brand new relationship.

You need to get a grip and ask yourself a few questions. Because the truth is, jealousy is a smoke screen for deeper stuff.

Find comfort in knowing that everyone experiences the emotion at one time or another. Most of us feel it and then immediately release it. There are others who hang on to jealousy and let it run them. If you realize what is really eating at you, you can conquer the feeling and move on.

For example, he's spending time with his guy friends. Actually, he's done this since before you met him. You knew this from the beginning. It was okay until you had been dating for twelve weeks, and suddenly you don't like this habit. Basically you are wanting to devour your new man and keep him all to yourself. Why? This is important - you have to ask yourself why. I can't speak for you, but I can guess that you want your boyfriend's undivided attention. Or maybe you still have the pipe dream that this knight in shining armor should devote all his waking moments with you.

Truth is, he should have his own life, spend time with his friends and you should get over the green monster. You're feeling a bit insecure or you're being controlling - both are highly unattractive. Just own what you feel and let your man have his life!

No one can provide everything that any of us need. In other words, you must make yourself happy and not expect your boyfriend to do that for you. While I am not advocating being in a relationship where you never get to spend time with your mate (what's the point of that?), I am saying that as he has his own interests, you should have yours, too. Men detest clinging vines. And if they don't...well, that's another post and a big, waving, red flag.

This is the milder side of jealousy. The horrid part is when a woman stalks her man, on the sly, watching his every move. Or rummages through his wallet while he's in the shower, wondering if she'll find "something." You know, if you think you're man is cheating, maybe the best thing is to ditch the man and move on. Becoming a private investigator on your own case is a waste of your precious energy.

So if you've met a great guy and you're feeling good about the relationship, continue to feel good about it. There's no need to worry about twelve months from now or who's on the phone or why he loves to watch the game with his buddies every weekend. Just like you, he is a person with feelings and his own mind. Let him be who he is and give him some room.

If you are consumed by jealousy, seriously consider getting professional help. I'm not kidding - jealousy stems from deep insecurities. Get yourself resolved and in tip top shape for a healthy relationship. It's not normal to run around on jealousy fumes.

Tell the green eyed-monster to take a hike. Enjoy your man and if you can't, then take steps to figure out why you can't be happy in a relationship. Some people are, after all, better off single.

You've sealed the deal and got a date with the hottie of your dreams. Now that you've grabbed her attention, keep it. Prepare for your first date carefully. Do the same for the second, third, fourth and so on.

Use special care for every date. You heard me - every date that you go on. With the same girl. All the time. Too many men make special preparations in the beginning but quickly fall into a comfort zone women don't like. So the first tip is to remember to always use these tips.

Clean up. Smelling good and being squeaky clean is awesome and women love it. This includes brushing your teeth and bringing breath mints for after dinner. Cologne is okay, but only in moderation. Use a small amount. That gives her a reason to come closer to you. Trust me, you don't want to leave a trail of smells behind you - strong or otherwise.

Shave. There are men in the world who ask a woman out and then forget to shave. If you are in the middle of growing facial hair, you might consider either waiting until the growth is where you want it or just shave it off for your date. Shaggy faces are just not attractive. Even on Brad Pitt.

Use lotion. Some men are in occupations where they use their hands a lot. There is nothing wrong with this, except that if your hands are rough and calloused, she will know it. And she won't want to hold your hand, even if she says that she does not mind. What she does not mind is that you work hard for a living. But she does mind those scaly hands touching hers. And when you get to the place of greater intimacy, would you want someone running their scales over your body? That said, there are lotions at the grocery store that cost a little more but lubricate well and do not smell girly.

Dress appropriately. If you are going to dinner at a nice restaurant, wear either dark, pressed jeans or slacks and a dry-cleaned (or pressed) button down shirt. Date in the park for a music festival? Then it is appropriate to wear nice shorts and a t-shirt. At the lake you may take off your shirt. In other words, if the occasion is casual, then dress down. If you planned a nice evening on the town, wear nice clothes. On the other hand, make sure you do not out-dress your date. If you told her that you want to meet for happy hour after work and you will be in a suit, you might mention that. Especially if she wears scrubs or jeans in her profession. There are ways to get your point across without making her feel bad. And that is the point: you want your girl to feel comfortable about everything.

Planning the date. Making sure your date feels comfortable should be in the front of your mind. We like it when you plan dates. It shows that you are putting effort into us. However, women have vastly different preferences and you want to make sure that what you do leaves her feeling good. Hopefully you've spoken with her several times before you actually go out on the first date. If you have, then you should a good idea about what she likes. The secret here is to listen to what she says. In other words, if you throw out that there is a great seafood restaurant you'd like to try and she says that she is allergic to shellfish, skip going there. If she says she's been dying to try out a new dance club and you are not opposed to that idea, take her. The best thing about planning great dates is that you get to spend time talking to her, getting to know who she is. This is really important when you are looking for the right partner.

Be polite. Most women like doors opened for them - car and otherwise. Trick is, if you do this in the beginning, she will always expect you to do it. Some women prefer to open their own doors. I know, it's totally confusing and I agree that women can be way too complicated - but that is another post! Just open all doors, pick up the tabs wherever you go and be a gentleman. There is no need to swear or be rude - about anything. We all can be rude and there are quite a few of us who swear. It's not attractive on the first date, and really, it's not attractive to swear, period.

Temper your passion. You are out with this total babe and you're grooving along. Your passion is rising every time you look into her eyes. And she's looking quite sexy in that little skirt. Whoa! It's not polite to stare at her boobs, touch her legs or butt, or jump on her. Trust me, it is not fun to be manhandled on the first date. Or the second. Or third. There is a time and place for passion and the beginning is not the right time. Even a girl who's digging you will want you to keep your hands, lips, tongue and everything else to yourself. Not forever, but for now. When she's ready for more, she'll let you know. On the other hand, if all you're looking for is a roll in the hay - and if that is her game, too - then I suppose what the two of you consent to is your business. For the purpose of this post, however, we will assume that you are looking for something more than a bed-buddy. Keep everything tucked away and you can offer her a simple, goodnight kiss at the end of your date - if she seems okay with it. The best way to figure this out is to ask her. Yes, asking for a kiss is very flattering!

As much as men do not like having a needy woman around, women really do not like dating needy men.

What defines a needy man? He's much the same as what you would find in a clingy girl. Incessant calling, too eager to say yes to whatever the woman wants and asks for. Hanging on her every word. Oh yeah, you're the doormat she wipes her feet on, too.

Guys, we love you tough and strong! As much as we want you to call us and be there for support, we do not want you hanging around 24/7. A woman with her own mind, a successful career and a happy life loves having you as a part of the deal but trust me, no one is the total package. It is a deal breaker to have a passive, overly generous man panting after us and hanging on our sleeves.

What can you do to turn around your needy behavior?

Date us.

The first three months of dating is a time to get to know each other and date. We do not want to be swept off our feet. A man who comes on way too strong, has no life of his own because he is spending every waking moment with us (or wanting to) or begins making big plans in the first few weeks of knowing us is a red flag flying high over the ship. Smart women know this, and it will scare the piss out of any woman you pull it on.

Come to terms that you are not Prince Charming (so don't send flowers).

Receiving flowers in the first two weeks of dating is not appropriate. Especially when you send those flowers to a public place like work. Sure, her friends and coworkers will coo and say "How nice of him!" but the truth is that confident men don't give away the farm after three dates. This may sound harsh, but I am telling you that playing Prince Charming will backfire, in the end.

Say no.

Allowing us to walk all over you as we go in and out the door is not okay. It is highly appropriate to say no. In fact, we really want you to tell us no sometimes! Women respect men with strong boundaries and a life of their own, just as you admire the same qualities in us.

Shoot straight and keep your past where it belongs.

Drama is not cool. Ex-girlfriend problems are a total turn-off. Keep it all to yourself. In fact, get over the last relationship you were in before you attempt to have a relationship with us. If you are going through a divorce, it is appropriate to say so, but never okay to spend half an hour (or more) bashing your estranged wife. Gossip? If you tell us horrible things about your brother, mother, ex-wife or co-workers, then we know you will say the same, nasty things about us. Maybe not today, but our turn will come (and we know it). Smart women are on the lookout for this type of behavior in all of their relationships, and that includes relating to a man. Contrary to popular belief, being female does not mean we enjoy listening to, or having hurtful conversations about other people.

Tips.

We like you to plan dates - with some input from us - but that is your job. We like to know that you are willing to woo us and are interested enough to make our time with you interesting.

We don't want to you to be our girlfriend.

Grow your boys and be the man in our lives!

Dating is a game, just like any other. We don't want to think that meeting our mate is part of an elaborate scheme, but unless you know exactly how to conduct yourself and your thoughts, it's easy to get caught within a web of lies. The most amazing concept about this deceit is that it stems mostly from what women do to themselves.

Men don't commit any wrongs unless we allow them to. This applies to meeting, dating and being in a relationship with a man. Typically the man is quite honest from the first time he opens his mouth. You have be open to hear what he is saying and you have to be honest with yourself. My fellow sisters, can you do this?

Rise up to the challenge and save yourself potential heartache. These pearls of wisdom come not only from experience, but from having girlfriends who have been there. Collective knowledge is powerful - share in it and become dating savvy.

Be yourself. Many women think that they need to look or behave a certain way in order to attract (and keep) a man. Why? The media blasts us with all kinds of information but you don't have to buy into what Cosmopolitan considers to be beautiful. Super models are women with unusual, angular bodies not typical of the average woman. That said, there is nothing wrong with being average! If you live a happy life and are true to yourself, you will attract like minded people, including men. On the flip side, do you want to meet and date a man who is faking so he can keep you coming around? Think about it!

See him for who and what he is. Men are who they are. They vary in shoe size, weight and height, and they have different education levels and goals. Just like us, they come from varying backgrounds and have histories personal to them. If he is an Ivy League educated attorney with lofty goals of living in New York City and working long hours and you are a small town girl who wants a husband who comes home every evening at 6, this mix probably will not match. Too many times women attempt to cram their men into a box and then are surprised when they do not fit. If he likes to spend time with the guys drinking beer and you think that drinking is a sin, it won't work. You love to live on the edge and travel the world and he enjoys spending time programming in his office, alone - no way! Even when you think that you have just met the best guy in the world, if you cannot see him clearly, you will end up in heartache. Seeing a man for who and what he is, with fresh and clear eyes, is the way to keep on track.

Listen to what he says. A man will tell you all that you need to know in the first few meetings. Some speak volumes on the first date. Even if you feel amazing chemistry with him, that is not enough to build a relationship. Get to know him, and listen up! If he says that he does not want a relationship, he really doesn't. If he says he is married, run! If he has a prison record, is breaking up with his girlfriend, hates his ex-wife or displays behaviors you know you cannot live with, these are all his truths that flash red danger. Get out and find a man who is ready to commit and have a mature relationship.

Take your time. Dating is not a race. Sometimes it might feel like we have to move at lightning speed in order to accomplish our goals, but when finding a man to spend the rest of your life with, it is best to go slow. There is nothing wrong with getting to know the person before you make big decisions and commitments. Time is on your side and time is your friend: use it to your advantage.

Bondage? Did you say what I thought? Yes, bondage can be totally pleasurable - for both of you. There are a few guidelines to follow, however. The best thing is that tying your lover up doesn't require that you read books, see a dominatrix or learn to tie boy scout knots all over again. Special tricks of the trade such as handcuffs and whips are nice, but unnecessary, especially when you are starting the journey away from Vanilla Sex.

All you need is something to tie her up with. Silky scarves, your ties or soft rope work just fine.

But wait - let's not surprise her! Sit down and have a talk about what you want to do. Ideally, she's curious, open minded and the topic has already been broached. Some sweet girls are itching to play this game and possibly have already asked for this treat. Whether she has brought it up or not, you must have a conversation during a neutral time when you are both relaxed. If for any reason she is opposed to the idea, quash it and forget about it. Should she be willing, the next step is to establish ground rules.

Safe word. This means that she tells you her safe word (it could be as simple as "stop") and you stop what you are doing. She is in your hands, master, and you must comply. Her trust in you is implicit so don't break it. The safe word means stop - do so immediately. Either the game is over or you've gone too far and need to back off a little. Check it out and keep your woman's trust.

Boundaries. What are the two of you going to do? What is taboo? Maybe she's okay with her hands bound to the bed post but not behind her back. Or perhaps she wants to be tickled on her tummy but not under the arms. Or hot wax dripping on her breasts is too much. Talk about it, discuss it, hash it out. Explore the ideas, flesh them out and stick to the agreements.

So this sounds a little complicated? This is not any more complicated than other sexual games couples might play. Establishing the rules and knowing what to do is perfectly healthy and very hot. Talking about these things is often just as much fun as actually performing the act!

How you tie up your lover is between the two of you. Since you have set up the game, now it's time to stage the scene, which is even more fun!

Set a date and time so you both know it's the big day. Again, this is part of the agreement. If for some reason either of you feel uncomfortable, it is perfectly okay to back out. The other partner should not make the one saying no feel bad - ever.

Candles, low lighting and undisturbed time - these elements are key to carrying out your game. In other words, if the phone is ringing non-stop while you are binding her ankles, she's not going to relax. Turn off the cell, make sure the kids are gone or tell your roommate to spend the evening somewhere else. Nothing is a deal breaker more than annoying sounds, people and animals during sex play.

You can also draw a hot bath for her and help her bathe prior to your little game. Or, get in the tub with her and enjoy! Massages are nice, but you don't want to put her to sleep. Have all your props ready such as the scarves and any ancillary objects: food, feathers, oils, whips, cuffs, etc.

This article is not intended to be a step by step manual about how to tie your girl up. So much is up to the imagination of you and your lover. However, it is suggested that you remember that taking away someone's sight with a blindfold completely enhances their other senses. Perhaps she would love to be fed different types of fruit and sweets, guessing what each one is. Or maybe soft tickling and edible oils are her thing. Tying up one hand and leg while leaving the other two free can be quite fun...the main object is to get the two of you hot and steamy for each other.

Remember that nothing is taboo here. Whatever the two of you agree to is okay. Have fun, be creative and hey, you might like taking turns. There is nothing to say that she can't tie you up, too!